


Bittersweet

by acathexis



Category: Persona 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-21
Updated: 2009-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-04 22:37:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acathexis/pseuds/acathexis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Akihiko, Shinjiro and Mitsuru, before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bittersweet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [li-chi (queenoffruits)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenoffruits/gifts).



The scariest part of the entire situation was how it didn't feel strange at all.

Oh, the situation itself was strange, that was for sure. Being conscious during an in-between time that didn't really exist, fighting monsters literally out of nightmares to save the souls of people locked in mystical coffins, at the behest of a super secret organization with an elite team headed by his uptight, overachieving classmate? That certainly put a check in the strange situations box in his mental survey.

But at the heart of it, at the heart of him, it felt perfectly natural. He had always been a fighter, though violence had never been the draw for him. Instead it was the challenge, self imposed but proved against others, and the discipline and focus that it brought him. The control. So the fighting was just an extension of that, and if at times it left him exhausted, too drained to move and sick at the thought of facing daylight, it just drove him to work harder in the meantime, to grow stronger until he could meet whatever challenges were thrown his way without breaking.

And if the method of fighting was a bit different, what with finding out that there was another being, distinct from his consciousness but connected all the same, residing inside of his mind, and that he had to draw on its powers to fight, well, he had always felt that he became a different person when he was in the ring. It was almost a natural extension of that feeling to imagine that this being was simply a manifestation of that discipline and strength, and the name they gave it, persona, only lent credence to the thought.

And if, at times, he could hear in his head the sound of a voice speaking, not whispering but speaking full volume, simply from so far away that he could barely make out the words ... well, the only strange part of that was how he felt that, somehow, the voice had always been there speaking within him, and that it was only becoming clearer with time.

No, the situation did not trouble him at all (though that lack of dissonance did disturb him.)

It was his team mates that worried him, though for different reasons.

Shinji ...

Shinji had never been a fighter, no matter what people might have thought of his public face. He had always had a strange blend of rough and sweet, strangely fragile on the inside and vulnerable with it, with brittle, prickly walls to guard his weakness. He had always tried to avoid confrontation, melt into the background or slide under peoples' radar. He would do anything to avoid notice, to avoid contact.

Except with Akihiko. Somehow, for some reason, Shinji had never tried to avoid Akihiko, and for his part, Akihiko had done his best in his own blunt, straightforward way, to never crack the rough edges that were all that held Shinji together.

Akihiko had always had the feeling that if anything ever cracked Shinji's shell, he'd go beyond melting into the background and slip straight through the cracks. He never could figure why, but the thought of that distressed him.

Kirijo, on the other hand ...

She was strong, she was a fighter, she was likely the most brilliant person he knew. He didn't know her well yet, he hadn't had reason to make her acquaintance before the whole -- well, before -- but for some reason, he was just as worried for her as he was for Shinji. There was nothing about her that suggested weakness, or fragility, but he had the impression all the same that she was breakable somehow, and he couldn't shake it.

So he had the voice in his head that was both constant and new, and there were only two people in the world who could identify with him, who knew what he was feeling from the inside out because they felt it too. Whether they had been friends or not before this started, they were family now, and his to protect.

He might not have been strong enough before to protect what was precious to him, but he would not fail now.

 

***

 

"Shinji."

Across the room, the boy jumped and jerked to face Akihiko, his eyes wide. Akihiko blinked, unprepared for the other boy's extreme reaction. "Everything okay?" he asked, giving his friend a more thorough study.

Shinji hadn't been holding up as well under the demands of the strange situation they found themselves in. While Akihiko had been disoriented, confused, and even panicked at times at the strange edges to his thoughts, the chinks in his self control and the chunks of time that just vanished from his memory … well, strange as it was, he was taking it all in stride. He had always wanted to be a fighter, and in a way this was just an extension of that, a new way to challenge himself, test himself against opponents in a way that actually mattered.

Shinji had not been taking it so well. For weeks he had been growing edgier, strangely high-strung, almost jittery even. He had always been incongruously fragile beneath the harsh surface he projected, but of late his facade had been wearing thin, and the jagged edges of his walls had been showing through.

Akihiko knew that something was wrong, but Shinji wouldn't talk about it, not even to him.

"What is it, Aki?" Shinji's voice was rougher than usual these days, unusually brusque even to Akihiko, usually spared the worst of his defensive aggressions. Predictably enough, he had ignored Akihiko's query.

"Ikutsuki-san wanted to speak with us," Akihiko replied slowly, observing his friend closely. It was only for that reason that he did not miss the flinch, ever so slight, that showed briefly in Shinji's face when the words sank in.

What he didn't know was why.

"Fine," Shinji said, his voice short. He walked forward, moved to walk straight past Akihiko and to the stairs, but Akihiko caught his arm before he could pass.

"Shinji, I know that there's something wrong," he said, his voice low and intent. He couldn't let this go on anymore -- Shinji looked too fragile now for this to go on much longer. He had to let some pressure off or he would shatter. "You don't have to hide it, you know. You can tell me anything, you know that, right?"

For a moment, Shinji's eyes locked with his (and how long had it been since Shinji had met his eyes, or anyone else's for that matter?), Akihiko was sure that he would finally get his answer. There was fear there, and traces of panic, and a strange inexplicable resignation. Shinji took a breath that almost seemed to hurt him, his eyes narrowed with the effort it took to maintain eye contact.

"Tell you what?" Kirijo asked from behind him, her voice as coolly officious as it ever was. She had paused halfway down the last flight of stairs, and was standing there with a hand on her hip, head tilted ever so slightly to the left. Even at her worst she had an unconscious grace and ineluctable confidence that turned her every motion and stance into a thing of elegant beauty. She was a masterpiece of breeding and good schooling.

It didn't make her any easier to deal with, though.

"Ikutsuki-san is waiting, you know," she informed them, her voice dry. "Is there some problem holding you up down here at the moment?"

Akihiko could have cursed. The second they had heard Kirijo's voice, Shinji had clammed up, his expression shutting down and his eyes dropping to that indeterminate middle space they had been locked on for weeks now, practically since this whole situation had started. He hadn't pulled away from Akihiko, but his arm under Akihiko's fingers was taut with the tension that thrummed through his muscles, a tension that Akihiko had barely noticed was gone until it had returned.

There was no chance of getting an answer out of him now.

"No, no problem," Akihiko replied, knowing that Shinji would not bother. He slid his hand up Shinji's arm to his shoulder, squeezing briefly before letting go. He would just have to try again later, was all. It wasn't like Shinji would be going anywhere. "We were just clarifying something."

"Well, if you've finished here, maybe we can get on with the meeting?" If there was one thing you could count on with Kirijo, it was her absolute dedication to the matter at hand, and general disinterest in anything else. She brought focus and dedication to a level that Akihiko found almost enviable, when it wasn't driving him mad.

On the other hand, it was those traits that had made her such a good leader. She had been able to stay focused in the face of all the strange things that had happened so far, never faltering no matter what the world threw at them next. Akihiko was grateful that she was there to be that leader, so that he didn't have to be, so he could let her shoulder that particular burden (as she seemed born to do) and just focus on fighting, and growing stronger.

Kirijo could take the leader's role, and the responsibilities entailed. In return, he would do everything he could to be strong enough to support her, and protect them all.

***

"Thank you for coming," Ikutsuki said, smiling from his seat, as they walked through the door. He was sitting, as he always did, in the armchair set at a right angle to the couch.

"Is something wrong?" Unsurprisingly, it was Kirijo who asked, coming straight to the point with no attempt at small talk, no formalities. She was business to the core, Kirijo Mitsuru.

"You mean other than the obvious?" Ikutsuki said with his gentle, self-deprecating smile, the barest hint of self directed humor that edged all of his words. "No, there is no new problem at the moment. I simply wished to gather all of you together, to see how you are handling the situation. After all, although I don't have a persona of my own, I can understand how everything that's been happening could be overwhelming, even distressing. Is there anything you need to discuss with me, any problems you've been having?" He looked into each of their faces in turn, concerned and inquisitive.

"No problems here," Akihiko replied, determinedly not looking at Shinji. Whatever problem his friend was having, he could handle it. There was nothing Ikutsuki could get out of him that he wouldn't tell Akihiko, and drawing attention to the issue would only make things worse.

"I'm still having some issues with my memory," Kirijo admitted, sounding slightly irritated. "Still, I know it is to be expected, and it's nothing like the first couple of weeks. I've been missing minutes or hours, not days. Other than that, everything is fine."

"I see," Ikutsuki said, looking concerned. "It is perfectly normal at this stage, of course, but we can still look into it later, just to be sure. We wouldn't want to pass up detecting a deeper problem, after all."

"Of course," Kirijo replied, taking it in stride.

Ikutsuki turned to Shinji. "And how about you?" he asked, his head tilted questioningly. "Have you had any problems with your memory, or your emotions?"

"I'm fine," Shinji said shortly. He had only taken a few steps into the room, and stood at an angle to the door, looking like he was going to break and run at any moment. Akihiko stifled the urge to drag him out, knock him down and sit on him, if necessary -- whatever it took to get him to admit the problem, so they could fix it. He didn't know why, but it felt like time was running out, and he was starting to trust more in his gut feelings than he ever had before.

Maybe it was because now he could put a name to them, and a face.

"Well, if you're sure," Ikutsuki said mildly. "Just let us know if anything comes up, okay?"

Shinji said nothing, and Ikutsuki moved on. "In any case, all of you seem to be settling in well. That is good news, as it means that we can move forward."

"What do you mean?" Kirijo asked, her gaze sharpening. Akihiko could sympathize -- at Ikutsuki's words, he had snapped to attention, his blood rising as it did before a match.

"Well, for the past few nights we have had some indication of activity at the site of Gekkoukan High -- what we call Tartarus in the Dark Hour. I would hesitate to send you if you were all still having problems, but as you all seem to be handling the transition well, I thought it might be wise to have the three of you go on a reconnaissance mission, just to the entry area, to see if you can find any clue to what is setting off all of our sensors. Tartarus is still an unknown quantity, after all, and any change in its status is a matter of some concern."

"Of course we'll go," Kirijo replied instantly, her voice firm. She didn't turn to consult with either of her teammates, and Akihiko saw no reason to object. "Were you thinking of sending us tonight?"

"Well, if you think you can be ready, that might be best," Ikutsuki said. Kirijo nodded.

"We'll be ready. I'll stay behind with you now, if you don't mind. We can go over the requirements and plan our strategy, so everything can be ready in time." She turned to Akihiko and Shinji, frowning slightly as her mind started going through everything that needed to be prepared before midnight. "You're welcome to stay, of course, unless there was something you needed to do this evening."

Akihiko shook his head. "I've got some preparations of my own to take care of," he replied shortly. Shinji had already left the room, so he nodded curtly to the two remaining before following his friend.

He caught up to Shinji in the front room, just as he was about to leave the building.

"Shinji!" he called out, catching the other boy with his hand on the door. Shinji paused, but didn't turn. "Shinji, talk to me. Please."

Shinji's back was rigid, his knuckles white as he gripped the doorknob, but he didn't leave.

"Shinji, whatever it is, let me help. I don't want you to disappear." Akihiko knew that he sounded desperate, that he was almost begging, but somehow, seeing Shinji standing there with his hand on the door terrified him. It seemed like, if he let Shinji leave now, he would never see him again.

Silence, unbearable silence that he couldn't bring himself to break, and then Shinji sighed.

"Look," he said, releasing his grip on the door and turning around. "You're right, okay? I am having some issues, and," his voice shook, and he took a breath to steady it, "and I need help. I need your help, Aki, because I don't know if I can handle this." He paused, and Akihiko jumped in.

"Anything, Shinji, you know that. Just tell me what you need."

Shinji shook his head slightly, and forced himself to meet Akihiko's eyes. "Not right now, Aki, there's not enough time. You heard Ikutsuki -- we're going to check out Tartarus. I need to be able to fight tonight, and if I can't handle this, if I can't pull myself back together once I let go, then I won't be ready."

Akihiko wanted to argue, but he could see the sincerity in Shinji's eyes. "Fine," he said, "tomorrow then. We'll tell Ikutsuki that we can't take anything new on, if it's necessary, but we'll get through this. I promise you, whatever it is, we can handle it together."

Shinji searched his eyes for a minute before nodding, and perhaps it was wishful thinking, but it seemed like just the slightest hint of tension seeped out of him at that. "Yeah, together." He blinked, and shook his head sharply as if to clear it. "Look, I need to get my head together before tonight, okay? I swear, I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going to disappear -- I just need to walk a bit, get some air, get my focus back."

Akihiko sighed. His reluctance hadn't disappeared, not really, but he couldn't argue, not now that Shinji had agreed to talk to him. "Yeah, of course," he said in spite of his misgivings. "See you back here before midnight?"

"Yeah, I'll be right back," Shinji said. "And Aki? Don't train too hard -- you need to save some energy for the Shadows." He said the last part with just a hint of his normal crooked grin, and Akihiko felt the last of his worried tension dissipate at the sight. He hadn't seen Shinji smile like that since before this all started.

For the first time in weeks, he felt like everything was going to be alright.

"You got it," he replied with a grin of his own. He watched as Shinji exited, then turned back to head up to the roof to get his training in.

He blinked when he saw Kirijo standing there with an expression of concern on her face.

"Did you need something, Kirijo?" Akihiko wasn't sure how much she'd heard, but it had been enough to worry her, that much was obvious.

"Is he going to be okay, do you think?" she asked, meeting his eyes squarely. She did not try to pretend she hadn't overheard their conversation.

Akihiko nodded. "Yeah, he'll be just fine," he said, not trying to cover up the situation. It was a leader's responsibility to be concerned over the state of her people, after all. "There's nothing we can't get through, together."

Kirijo smiled, and it was as perfect and composed as any of her expressions, but the relief in it made her shine. "Oh, good. I've been concerned, but I knew there was no way he would talk to me about it. I'm glad he can open up to you, I wouldn't know what to do otherwise." She shook her head sharply, as if shaking off the momentary doubt that she had expressed. "Anyway, if you're going to train, you should get to that now so you don't tire yourself out. I'll be with Ikutsuki-san, planning out the rest of tonight's mission."

If they hadn't finished planning, that meant that she had followed Shinji and him down just to make sure Shinji would be okay. Akihiko grinned at her.

"You've got it. See you later, Kirijo." He turned, and as he was walking to the stairs, he heard Kirijo call after him.

"And Akihiko?" she said, her voice back to being perfectly imperious. "You can call me Mitsuru, you know. I think we've come past any formalities, by now."

"Got it," he said. "See you later, Mitsuru." He jogged up the stairs to the roof, his mood lighter than it had been in days, even weeks.

He had a family again, people to protect, and he wasn't helpless anymore.

Now all he had to do was wait until midnight.

**Author's Note:**

> Note: If this is slightly AU, I apologize -- it's been ages since I've played this game, especially the parts covered in the story, and I didn't have time for a replay before writing this. Basically, I'm going off what I can remember, here.


End file.
